Quit Your Job, Sis

UNHINGED EP 1: Shifting Your Relationship Mindset to Find Your Person

September 25, 2023 Lindsay Hanson Episode 182
Quit Your Job, Sis
UNHINGED EP 1: Shifting Your Relationship Mindset to Find Your Person
Show Notes Transcript

Welcome to Quit Your Job, Sis: Unhinged, where I step away from my usual business and freelancing content to share unfiltered thoughts and opinions about things in my day-to-day life. 

In this episode, I dive into relationships, why being desperate to be in one can be problematic, and the importance of being content on your own before pursuing a partnership. 

I share why I initially resisted dating my now-fiance despite wanting to, and valuable insight on self-worth, happiness, and finding the right person. 

I talk about:

  • Societal pressures on being in a relationship and the negative impact it can have on our values
  • The dangers of desperation: how the mindset of needing to be with a person can lead to settling for the wrong person and missing red flags
  • Codependency vs. healthy relationships: the importance of not relying on someone else for happiness or validation
  • Releasing desperation and learning how to thrive in the single life

If you’re someone who feels like they can never be happy single, I urge you to take a step back and examine why you feel that way. You are already so valued, loved, and important on your own. Your right person will find you when the time is right; it sounds cliche, but it’s true. 

Don’t settle for a relationship that doesn’t make your life better. 

Tune in to this episode of Quit Your Job, Sis: Unhinged to hear how I challenge societal norms and inspire you to live a life filled with happiness!

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[00:00:59] Hello, my loves, and welcome to Quit Your Job, Sis: Unhinged, where I will be sharing my unfiltered thoughts about topics that may or may not have anything to do with business and freelancing. And you might be thinking, "Lindsay, aren't all of your episodes your unfiltered thoughts?" And you're not wrong. You know, I tell it like it is. I keep it real with you guys. I don't really hold back. 

[00:01:27] But lately... I've been in a season of my life where I have been feeling compelled to share my thoughts on things that aren't really related to business. And I haven't typically done that on my platforms because people follow me for freelancing tips and business things and sharing my story about quitting my job and all of that.

[00:01:48] So I didn't know if people would want to hear my thoughts on other things. But recently, I started posting on my Instagram story, sharing my opinions on wedding planning things, and you guys seem to be loving it. I've been getting a lot of DMs telling me to share more, so I thought, “Why not just take this over to the podcast?”

[00:02:09] And we're going to have a little season of unhinged Lindsay thoughts. Let's kick it off by talking about relationships, shall we? And this is something that's been on my mind, honestly, for months, ever since I posted something on TikTok. Then my mind was kind of blown with what I realized was the mindset that a lot of people have about dating and relationships, and it put a lot of things into perspective for me.

[00:02:41] I made a TikTok a few months back. It wasn't even about relationships. It was about clients. And I was talking about how I don't really want clients who are just shopping around. This doesn't really apply so much with social media management because I could see how someone realizes they need a social media manager, then they go out and interview different people to find the right person.

[00:03:03] But it was more so talking about as a coach, a life coach, I don't really want clients who are just shopping around for a life coach. I want clients who see my content and immediately know that I'm the coach for them. They might not have even been looking for a life coach. They might not have known they needed life coaching, but they resonated strongly with my content and energy.

[00:03:29] And they knew that they wanted to work with me. Those have always been my best clients and my most fun clients to work with. When I posted that TikTok video, I compared it to dating. I was like, "I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is dating around and just trying to find a girlfriend.

[00:03:50] I want someone who knows that they want me. They see me, they're attracted to me, they want a relationship with me. They don't just want a relationship, and I am one of the contenders. And someone in my comments was like, “Well, is that not what dating is? How are they supposed to know that they want to be in a relationship with you?”

[00:04:09] Me and this person in my comments, and then a few other people because I made a follow-up video to it; I realized that there is this big divide where neither of us could understand how the other person views dating because that's not how I've ever viewed dating in my life.

[00:04:27] I realized that I've never had a dating phase in my life. I have never been at a point where I was like, “I really want a relationship, so I'm going to go on a bunch of dates until I find someone I want to be with.” Because that's never been how I think about relationships.

[00:04:45] I always knew I would find my person; my person would come into my life at the right time. So I don't have to worry about it, I don't have to shop around for a boyfriend. My person's out there, and I'll meet him when I meet him, so I'm just going to do me. I'm just going to live my life, enjoy my life, and do what I want to do.

[00:05:03] And I've been in multiple relationships with different people who, at the time, I was attracted to, but I just have never felt the need to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. And I'm not necessarily saying that that's wrong, I know that people find their soulmates through online dating apps, but I would imagine that that's the exception and not the rule. I don't know; I've never had a dating profile in my life. And there's nothing wrong with casual dating if you want to date around for fun. But I can't imagine being in a place like, “I want to find my person, so I'm going to go on a bunch of dates with people and hope that he's one of them.”

[00:05:46] That's just not how I've ever thought about dating. And to me, it's such a different vibe to be approached by a man who is asking me out as one of 10 other dates he's going on that week because he really wants a relationship versus a man who approaches me because he's attracted to me and he may or may not have even been looking for a relationship, but he just knows that he wants to be with me.

[00:06:08] I hope I'm articulating this clearly, but those are two very different things in my mind. And, as many of you know, I'm currently engaged to Brendan, my person, and I need you to understand that I was thriving when I was single. No part of me thought, "I really want a relationship right now."

[00:06:29] It was not even remotely on my mind. I was living in North Carolina, I was building my business, I was only a year into my business, a bitch was busy. I didn't even ha- getting into a relationship wasn't even remotely on my fucking mind. When Brendan and I reconnected, I literally said that to him. I said to him, because we had started talking again, we kind of went on a date, and I was just like, "So that you know, I don't really want to be in a relationship again."

[00:06:58] And now we look back and laugh at that. But it's just like, I, that's not where my head was at at all. And I actually actively tried to resist it. But then I was just, "Okay, clearly I want to be with Brendan. So, we're going to do this." I'm in such a different phase of my life now. I'm thriving now, but I was also thriving while I was single, and I see so many people, and it kills me, particularly women who cannot stand being single, and it makes me so sad because being single was some of the best times of my fucking life.

[00:07:32] I truly loved it. I could do whatever I wanted all the time. I had so much time to just focus on myself. I did so much personal growth being single, and I'm still growing now in a relationship, but it's just a different thing. And I would have hated wasting all those years when I was single, wishing I wasn't. Instead of using that time to live my life, focus on myself, and thrive. 

[00:07:57] So, I'm going to say something that might be controversial. And listen, this isn't advice; you don't have to fucking listen to me, I'm not qualified to give advice on this, I'm not a relationship expert. But I think that if you are in a place where you just want a relationship so desperately, just for the sake of having a relationship; you want a relationship because you hate being single, I don't think you should get into a relationship. I think you should do some inner work and think about why is it that you feel this need to be in a relationship. What do you feel like you're missing? Because if you can't find happiness on your own if you can't feel loved when you're not in a relationship, that's not going to magically go away when you get in one. Because anytime that we're outsourcing our happiness to somebody else, guess what? We're going to be fucking disappointed. 

[00:08:47] You have to find happiness being single, I think, in order for you to get into a healthy relationship. Because otherwise, you are being dependent on somebody else to make you happy. And they're going to have to always do the right thing and say the right thing for you to feel that way, but guess what?

[00:09:07] They're not going to do that because they're a human being. You cannot rely on somebody else to make you happy. And I think there are a few reasons why people, particularly women, feel this need to be in a relationship or feel like they can't be single. I think it's just like societal pressure because we've made up this timeline that you must have kids by a certain age.

[00:09:26] So you have to be married by a certain age. So you have to be in a relationship by a certain age. And we put that pressure on ourselves, and we put that pressure on others and feel like if we're not in a relationship at a certain point in our lives, then we're like somehow behind, and I think we need to just like throw that out the fucking window. Finding a relationship under pressure is probably not going to be the one. It's just not a good vibe to start off a relationship with. 

[00:09:51] But the second thing is, I think when we feel this need to be with somebody else, there's something underlying going on. There's a reason why you don't feel like you can be happy as a single person. There's something that you feel like you're missing by not having somebody else in your life, and you need to figure out what that is before you bring another person into your life. You need to be able to fill that void on your own because you can't rely on somebody else for your happiness or for you to feel loved or feel validated or whatever it is that you feel like you're missing. You need to be able to give that to yourself because otherwise, you're not going to be in a relationship.

[00:10:32] You're just going to be in a codependency on that person. And I see it happen so often. I mean, I've, I see it happen in my life and the people around me, but I also think about reality dating shows or even, honestly, a lot of true crime podcasts and shows that I consume every day because it's my full-time job.

[00:10:54] So many domestic abuse and toxic fucking situations happen, and it's so fucking tragic, and then when I hear about the backstory in it, and I'm, I'm just like, "Why did this woman not value herself? Like, why did she feel like she needed to be with this person who was treating her like fucking shit?"

[00:11:18] And I'm not victim-blaming at all. I'm not saying it's her fault that domestic abuse happens or anything. People get murdered or go missing at the hands of a partner. That's obviously the partner's fault, which most often is the man, not always, but I think we are so much more likely to enter into a relationship where we miss these red flags when we are in a mindset of, "I need somebody else to make me happy, I need to be in a relationship, I can't be on my own." 

[00:11:46] Those red flags start to look real beige when that is your mindset. And it's sad, but it also potentially could literally be dangerous. And I just want to yell at all of the women in the world: You are valid. You are valid on your own. You don't need a man to make you valid," and I see so many relationships where a woman who's fucking stunning, and she's a 10, and she could get anyone she fucking wanted.

[00:12:18] And then she's with someone who's not treating her well and is a fucking scumbag, and I'm like, "Why are you here, babe?" We need, I- I just want to yell at all of the women that you deserve so much fucking better. And I think we're so much more likely to settle in a relationship when we are approaching it with the mindset of, "I need to be with someone in order to be whole or be valid or be happy,” or whatever we think we need from that person.

[00:12:47] Versus if at a place in your life where you are 100% okay being on your own, you're not going to settle. Because it's not going to be worth getting into a relationship unless it's with the right person. Unless it's making your life better. Because if your life is already amazing when you are on your own, you're not going to entertain some dude who's going to disrupt your fucking peace.

[00:13:09] When I tell you, I actively resisted my desire to get into a relationship with Brendan again because I was so happy being single that I didn't want my peace disturbed. I wasn't going to be in a relationship unless I knew for sure that it was with someone who was going to make my life better.

[00:13:29] And I sure as hell am not going to marry anyone unless I'm 1000% sure that they are the right person. I'm a child of divorce. Brendan is a child of divorce. I know more divorced couples than happily married couples. I cannot relate to seeing a happy marriage. I don't have a whole lot of examples of happy marriages in my life.

[00:13:54] I think that also instills something in me where I'm like, I would rather be single than be in the wrong relationship. I'd rather be single for the rest of my fucking life than be in a relationship where we're just going to be arguing all the time. Because what is the fucking point of that?

[00:14:11] And I think that's benefited me in many ways. Child of divorce trauma definitely has its downsides, but I think one of the positives is that I'm never going to settle in my fucking life because I have seen what it is like to be in a relationship with the wrong person, and I would rather be happily single, you know?

[00:14:32] So I'm only going to be in a relationship with someone if it is making my life actively better. And I think, weirdly, the fact that Brendan and I were broken up for five years (if you're listening and you don't know this story, we started dating when we were like 18, dated for two years, broke up, didn't have any contact for almost five years, reconnected, and got back together).

[00:14:52] But the fact that we had broken up and lived apart for almost five years, this man was not even on my mind. During those five years, it wasn't even in the back of my mind thinking, “I really want to get back together with Brendan; I hope he comes back into my life someday.”

[00:15:09] I was living my life without him, and I was fine. I was thriving. I started a business, you know I was living. And so the fact that we spent that time apart, number one, we had the chance to explore other relationships. But number two, I just know that I would be okay without him because I've done that.

[00:15:32] I have lived my life without Brendan for five years, and I was okay. And so, we both know that we could be okay without each other, but we both also know that our lives are so much better when we're together. We're choosing to be together because it makes us much happier, but we know that we don't need each other.

[00:15:52] We're not dependent on each other for our happiness, and so we can just be. We can just love and appreciate each other for who we are without outsourcing our happiness to each other, without being reliant on each other. Brendan doesn't have to act a certain way or say the right thing all the time for me to feel happy and for me to feel loved.

[00:16:12] I just get to love him, let him be who he is, and appreciate him for who he is and appreciate the ways that he makes my life better. The fact that I enjoy fucking being around him, and we have the same sense of humor, and it's literally every day, it feels like I just am having this massive, lifelong sleepover with my best friend.

[00:16:35] We are besties, you know what I mean? But if he were to start acting up and not treating me well or whatever, I would be out of here. I wouldn't hesitate to fucking leave. I mean, I would try to resolve things first, but at the end of the day, I'm not going to stay in this relationship because I'm not dependent on him. I know that I would be okay without him. I mean, I'd be fucking devastated if anything happened and we didn't work out, but I would know that long term, I'd be okay. And whether I were to find someone else eventually or just be on my own for the rest of my life, I would be okay.

[00:17:10] But I'm not going to settle for being in a relationship with someone who's not treating me well or simply isn't my person because of this need to be in a relationship. I don't understand it. Some of the best times in my life were when I was single, and it makes me so sad that some people equate being single with being lonely and sad and not good enough or whatever.

[00:17:37] I was listening to, again, one of my true crime podcasts the other day, and this woman was on her fourth marriage, and the guy ended up being a horrible person, and he wasn't even who he said he was, he had this whole fake identity, he had like murdered his ex-wife, and then tried to murder her, it was a whole thing.

[00:17:57] She survived. Luckily, she's okay. But I was so thrown off by the fact that she was – I was like, “four?!” How do you get to a point where you're on your fourth marriage, sis? After the second one, do you not call it a day? Are you not just like, maybe this marriage thing isn't for me? You know that you don't have to be mar- you can be with someone without bringing the government into it.

[00:18:20] Why do we keep doing this? After your second divorce, how do you not do some inner work and think about, "Why do I keep getting into relationships with the wrong people? What's going on here?" No? You just keep trying? I can't relate. If I ever even got divorced once, I don't know that I would get married again.

[00:18:40] But twice? I'm definitely not trying a third time. No way in hell. If I found my soulmate after my second divorce, that's great. Love that for us. We're not getting married. We can just be together without getting married. I'm not, I don't, I don't know. I just don't understand it. And again, it brings me back to feeling like shit like that only happens when we feel like we have to be with someone else; we have to be married in order to be valid.

[00:19:07] We have to be married in order to be happy. We have to be married for other people to not judge us, or whatever the fucking reason is. Or it might be deeper than that, and some inner work and healing need to occur. But if that's the mindset you're in, you're so much more likely to settle, you're so much more likely not to see the red flags, and just get into a shitty situation, and a shitty relationship and life is too fucking short to not be with the right person.

[00:19:35] So, I guess my takeaway for you today is that if you feel like you desperately want to be in a relationship, maybe do some journaling, maybe go to therapy, maybe do some inner work and figure out why that is before you actually get into a relationship so that you can make sure you end up with the right person. You're not ignoring any red flags or settling because you just want a relationship versus wanting to find your person. Your person is out there.

[00:20:05] They're going to come into your life at the right time. So you just do you, you just work on you and know that they're coming. It's like any manifestation teacher ever in some form talks about releasing. Letting go. Not frantically, desperately grasping onto the thing you want to manifest because that creates pressure and it creates resistance. It actually makes it harder for it to come into your life. You have to release a little bit, let it go, and be okay without it, and when you're okay without it, beautiful things can manifest into your life because it's not based on this desperate codependent need. 

[00:20:44] It's just something that you want, but you're not going to settle for something that's not right for you because you are okay on your own because you give yourself love, you give yourself happiness, you give yourself validation, you don't need somebody else to do it for you, but when the right person comes along, it'll be beautiful.

[00:21:03] But if you're out here frantically looking for a relationship, I can't imagine the right person will find you at that point. That mindset is just not; it's not it. So, that is my big sister advice to you today. I don't have any younger siblings. So, you guys are my younger siblings today, and that is your big sisterly advice. 

[00:21:28] Let me know your thoughts on our first unhinged episode, and if there are any other topics that you guys want me to rant about over the next few weeks, definitely slide into my DMs and let me know. You can find me at @lindsaymhanson on Instagram or on TikTok. Thank you for listening. I love you. I appreciate you.

[00:21:49] I am here for you always. I will talk to you guys in the next episode.